Lessons From a 5 Year Old

This little boy right here rocks my world!  Gage has such a fun personality and is full of wit, mischievousness, sweetness, and just the right amount of spice.  My mom calls him an imp, a title which definitely suits him.  He says the funniest things and can always seem to make us laugh.  He is also my new spiritual hero.
        Last week as I was running errands with my kids, I was also on the phone scheduling an appointment to meet with the neonatologist.  (Yes, I was on my cell phone while I was driving a van full of kids.  SUE ME!)  My daughter Davis heard me tell the doctor that I was 32 weeks along.  When I hung up the phone, she said "Didn't our cousin Zach die at 32 weeks?"  This led to a conversation about what happened when Zach died.  All the kids were listening as I told them that yes, Zach died when his mom was 32 weeks along, but in the case of Zach, nothing was wrong with him.  I told them how there was a blood clot in the umbilical cord and that's what caused him to die.  I also told them that since we KNOW something is wrong with Flint, the doctors are watching him and me both very carefully so that hopefully, we can avoid the same outcome we experienced with Zach.  After a small moment of silence from all the kids, Gage spoke up from the backseat: "I just want Flint to come.  I don't care if there's something wrong with him, I just want him to come."
          After my emotions and fears from the last couple of weeks, this was just the reality check that I needed to hear!  Who cares if something is "wrong" with Flint?  Don't I love him and Heavenly Father enough to willingly take him into my life and provide him with whatever he needs?   Gage's wisdom and love immediately brought me to tears, and back to reality.  I have since been so grateful for his demonstration of childlike faith and unconditional love when it comes to his little brother.    
          Gage and I also had a conversation at the very start of summer that has continued to play through my mind as we have progressed through this experience with Flint.  While in many areas of his life, Gage is an absolute dare-devil, the swimming pool is NOT one of those places.  He has always been a little timid and worried whenever he gets close to the pool.  His little brother however, has NO FEAR when it comes to the swimming pool and usually spends our whole visit at the pool running off the diving board into my treading water, pregnant body, waiting arms.  I really wanted Gage to try out the diving board, because I knew he'd have a lot of fun, so I began to remind him about the last couple of summers at the pool.  Our conversation went something like this:

 

Me: "Gage, do you remember a few summers ago, when you didn't even want to go into the big pool but would rather hang out only in the baby pool?"

 

Gage: "Yes.  That was kind of silly."

 

Me: "Ya, it was kind of silly, huh?  You were so afraid to go into the big pool, and I kept telling you to trust me.  We could go in together and I would keep you safe, but you didn't believe me at ALL.  Now though, you do it all the time and it's no big deal, right?  In fact, you'd be really bored now if you hung out in the baby area whenever we came to the pool.  You have a great time playing and you're not afraid anymore, are you?" 

 

Gage: "No.  I'm not afraid of the big pool anymore, as long as you're there with me!"

 

Me: "Well, do you remember last year, how you finally wanted to play in the big pool, but you were too afraid to jump into it from the side? I kept telling you to trust me.  I promised I would catch you and you would be just fine, but you didn't believe me at ALL.  Now though, you do it all the time and you have a great time doing it.  In fact, you'd be really bored at the pool if you didn't get out every once in awhile and jump in from the side."

 

Gage: "Yup!  I'm really good at jumping in from the side!"

 

Me: "So Gage, you were really afraid of doing all those other things, but now that you've done them a few times, you're just fine and have a great time, right?  So why don't you try going off the diving board and trust me that I will catch you?  I promise you will have a great time and wonder why you were ever afraid to do it in the first place!"

        
         Well, my logic failed to persuade him to try the diving board, but my own words to Gage have come back to me over and over again as our new reality with Flint has unfolded.  This time though, they are not my words, but Heavenly Father's:  "Jessica, I know you're afraid, and that you're having a hard time believing me right now, but TRUST ME!  We will go through this together and I will keep you safe.  I will catch you when it gets too hard and you will be just fine.  Just trust me and I promise that someday, you will realize what a great experience it all is and wonder why you were ever afraid to do it in the first place!" 
         Through all of this, I have often wondered what exactly I should be praying for.  What is the Lord's will for Flint and our family?  What is my role in preparing for Flint's arrival?  I have received frequent enough impressions to know that regardless of what I may want or pray for, Flint is not going to have the life I would have planned for him when we decided to have another baby.  However, he IS going to have exactly the life Heavenly Father planned for him, and I get to be a small part of that experience.  I am finally learning that the most important thing for me to do in all of this is to trust Heavenly Father, walk to the edge of my certainties, and JUMP.  I know God will catch me. That is one thing of which I am very certain!