A Few Thoughts From Dad

As I sit here in the NICU at Children’s Medical Center of Dallas, I knew I would need to take some time to give my perspective.  Jessica has done an amazing job presenting the story and I know my writing can’t compare…but here are some thoughts from Dad.

Since we began learning about Flint’s situation weeks before he arrived, we have had a lot of “what ifs”. What if it doesn’t go well? What if he is born, but has major issues? What if he doesn’t make it? What if, what if, what if? We ran all the questions and scenarios through our minds. Of course, there are still many questions, but now that he is here and doing well, the types of questions have changed. Jessica said it well in one of her posts right after Flint was born; now we don’t ask questions about how “we” are going to handle things, now we ask how “Flint” will handle them. What will his life be like? How will he experience the things that his older siblings experience? Will he even GET to experience them?? Reality is we won’t know till those opportunities present themselves. All we know right now is that he is our Miracle Baby and has already overcome so much!  In the meantime, we just keep loving him and watching him grow!

I have been amazed at the love and support we have experienced through this whole process. Of course there are many friends with Jessica on Facebook and others who are reading her blog, but there are many who I interact with that aren’t “friends” on Facebook…the many faculty and students on campus that have regularly asked about Flint’s progress, have mentioned that he and my family are in their thoughts and prayers, offered to help, etc. As I was describing this feeling of love and support to my department head a couple of weeks ago, he simply said, “that is what family does”! I have been a witness to the large family we do have…and have literally felt their love, support and prayers through this process.

Our family at church has also been a great strength. Sunday morning I was there early for meetings and a few people looked at me with the “why are you here, aren’t you going to Dallas?” look.  I let them know that when the call came they could be assured that I would be walking out the door.  As the meeting started, I still hadn’t heard from Jessica, so I just went about normal business.  I was announcing the speakers for sacrament meeting and as I sat down, I felt my phone vibrate. It was Jessica texting me that the hospital called her and the flight team was on their way. I showed the text to my counselors and they both acknowledged it with a smile and encouragement of safe travels. As I walked off of the stand to the back of the chapel something incredible happened.  First, I was a little embarrassed and sorry that I was walking out of the middle of the meeting and distracting everyone…but that thought quickly vanished as I started looking at the members. Many of them knew where I was going and as they watched me walk out, I started making eye contact with some of them. No words were spoken, but words weren’t necessary. The expressions of love, concern, hope, faith and peace were all being shown and FELT from those looks. I kept smiling and walking, not fully realizing what was happening until I got out to my car. I quickly called Jessica to tell her I was on my way and as I started to describe what happened, I couldn’t speak. My emotions were so strong that I couldn’t get it out! Of course, with all of the other emotion of the day, Jessica couldn’t really speak either.

Shortly after I got home from church the hospital called back and said that the flight team had an emergency pickup somewhere else and we would be delayed…the delay lasted all day, but it worked out okay.  Duke and Lynette arrived and we decided that since it was getting so late that it might be better for me to get on the road to Dallas than to wait to see the kids meet Flint. Right as we made the decision, the hospital called and confirmed that the flight was on its way. We still felt it was best for me to get on the road, even though I wanted to see the kids meet each other.  About an hour or so into the drive I received a few pictures from Lynette and I almost had to pull over! I couldn’t stop crying looking at those sweet pictures of ALL my kids together. The looks on the older ones’ faces and the look on Flint’s face are something I will not forget for a long time. 

The drive to Dallas was probably the easiest and most pleasant 5 ½ hour drive I’ve had in a long time. It might have been because there wasn’t anyone fighting in the back seat, or a movie playing that I wasn’t interested in…but it was mostly because I talked with my dad on the phone, talked with a few others about church stuff, and had some time alone to just drive and think. A few times over the past couple of months when discussing my worries about Flint, my dad has reflected on when I was a little baby and was sick with spinal meningitis.  For the miracles of modern medicine today, it is beyond a miracle that an 8 month old baby in 1978 made it through a serious sickness without more than a small scar from an IV placed in his foot.  After Flint’s surgery, Jessica and I quickly assessed his incisions and were relieved at how everything looked.  As we lightly joked about the possible scar, I lifted up my foot and reminded her of my small scar from 35 years ago. At various times throughout my life, I have been reminded (either by my parents or some other thoughts/feelings) of the blessing it was that I survived that sickness. It is during those times that I have often questioned why I was so lucky…or blessed with that outcome. What does the Lord need from me? Why did I make it through without any problems when so many people with the same sickness didn’t? So, now I get to ask the next question...What does the Lord need from Flint? AND…what do WE need from Flint?? What is he supposed to teach us? What does the Lord want us to learn? What does he want Flint to teach others?

Well, where do I start? What has Flint already taught me? I know the list will increase daily, but here is a start…

1.       Prayer – it doesn’t matter which religion, what we call God, or how we pray, people who have sincere faith in a higher being can unite together in prayer for a cause…and it works, it is real and it is tangibly felt by those being prayed for. I have always believed in prayer, but I have never had so many prayers offered in my behalf. My parents tell me of the prayers and fasting that were offered for me when I was a sick baby and I’m sure there were a lot of people praying for me then…and it worked!  But I have seen and heard so many offers of prayers for Flint that I’ve lost count…and they are working too!

2.       Service – I had an impression early on in the pregnancy that we were going to need a lot of help from others. So, I started keeping track of people who were serving “Flint” and it grows daily (and I’m not even counting the doctors and nurses!!). Whether it was babysitting the younger boys while Jessica went to doctors appointments, bringing us food, giving gifts, providing kind gestures/gifts for the older siblings, driving our kids (and Jessica after her C-section) around, teaching my classes when I was gone, whatever it was, it was all service. A Book of Mormon prophet taught that, “when you are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.”

3.       Patience – nothing about this process has been quick, straightforward, or timely…except maybe Flint’s actual delivery…Now, the timing wasn’t the best, but it was QUICK! From waiting for test results for weeks, to calls from doctors about his surgery, to him even being big enough for the surgery, we have had to exercise a lot of patience. Although we have often been stressed, we have been blessed with the Spirit of Peace that comes from our Heavenly Father, and that peace has allowed the patience to be exercised. However, I’m sure Flint will continue to need patience as he grows and develops…I’ll keep learning to have it.J

4.       Less talk and MORE action – I don’t know how else to describe it. We as humans (or maybe it is just meJ) are very good at talking about doing something, but not always the best at making it happen.  I have learned from Flint to “do it”, not just “say it”. Hence the reason I’m typing this right now. I have learned too many things not to write them down, and where not too sacred, to share them. For example, as we have been blessed to stay in the Ronald McDonald House during our stay in Dallas, we have been quickly reminded that others have their own trials…and most of them are much worse than ours.  We have learned this before, but it was clearly retaught to us while we have been here. We have precious little time to do the important things and we say we will do them tomorrow. Many of these kids (and their parents) can’t live for tomorrow, they have to enjoy today.  Flint is teaching me to live each day and do the important things…the rest will be done if I have time. But, if they are important, then I will find time. Before he was born, I didn’t have a whole bunch of free time every day to hang out, play around or whatever. Since he was born, I don’t have any more free time…but all of a sudden I have time every day for a trip to the hospital to hold and cuddle him. I also have more time to spend with his older siblings…the important things always find time.  It may mean I’m up later preparing a lecture or grading papers, or watching less football, but it means that I am doing more important, life-saving, family-saving, activities.  There is time to do the important things.

5.       There is always more to the story – I have said this before and have learned this lesson more clearly as I have fulfilled my responsibilities at church. There is always more to the story and the “more” part isn’t always your business…most of the time it ISN’T!  But, I’m learning better to remind myself of that before I snap a judgment on a situation.  As Jessica told in a recent post, we were going to the hospital before Flint’s shunt surgery and another man jumped in front of us in the check-in line. His mother noticed that we were waiting and came to apologize to us.  She said that his child was having brain surgery and apologized for his lack of patience.  Jessica responded back that our son was also having brain surgery too!  We kind of laughed about it after…always another side to the story…and yours may not always be the worse side…it usually isn’t!

6.       The Power of God is Real – I said the list could go on and I’m sure it will, but to end this post somewhere I will end with the most important thing I have learned or been retaught from Flint. The power of God is real…I have had many experiences in my life to confirm this…going back to when I was 8 months old. I received a priesthood blessing from my father and grandfather and I am certain I am here today because of that. Jessica and I have received several priesthood blessings from friends, leaders and fathers through this whole process. The details are too sacred and personal to share in this format, but if anyone would like to know more, I’d be happy to share some things we learned through the Lord’s priesthood. Likewise, I have been blessed to hold that same priesthood authority and have been able to bless all of my children…including Flint. Shortly after he was born, Jessica’s dad Duke (Gramps) and I went into the NICU and I put my hands through the arm holes of the isolette and on my sweet little newborn’s head and gave him a blessing.  A few days later, as I sat holding him one early Sunday morning, I felt prompted to give him another blessing. Then an hour before his surgery in Dallas, I again blessed this sweet little boy. Each blessing was simple, but the words spoken were from our Father in Heaven. I have already seen some of the promises in those blessings be fulfilled. He is growing, he is gaining weight, his surgery was successful, the fluid around his brain is decreasing, he is alert, attentive and happy.  These blessings will continue to come and future blessings will be pronounced on this special little boy, but every day he reminds me that the priesthood power of God is real…I have no doubt!! He and I are both living proof of it!

 

I know there are many more lessons that Flint will teach me and all of us as we watch him grow and overcome challenges. As for what the Lord wants Flint to teach us…I have a few ideas, for another day.JFor now, I am blessed to see him growing, gaining more weight, adjusting to his new “hardware”, and reminding us about the power of prayer, service, focusing on the important things and that the priesthood of God is active and real!

Surgery Complete!

He's out of surgery and everything went great!!!!!  We are so grateful!!

Dallas Surgery

                I’m in Dallas sitting in the family waiting room at Children’s Medical Center.  20 minutes ago the doctors and nurses attending Flint’s surgery got him all hooked up and ready to go, and then they gave us a moment to say goodbye to him. I did not hold back the tears as I took one last look at him without his shunt in.  I have a real love/hate relationship with this shunt.  I’m SO grateful they can do it, but I HATE that he needs it.  Several times over the last few days, the words of Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables have jokingly run through head: “What do you think a mother would feel like if she found her child tattooed all over with a baking powder advertisement?”  While it makes me laugh a little, I think of that quote with relation to Flint’s shunt.  I hate the fact that he is being permanently outfitted with something foreign in his body.  I realize that this is such a small challenge compared to those that others face, but it’s still more than what I would want for my child to have to deal with.

                Other than that, I feel very at peace with the surgery and the outcome of it.  Our experience here has been wonderful, and it all started with the wonderful Life Flight crew yesterday.  Our NICU nurse in Amarillo had told us that we’d get a call sometime Sunday morning, letting us know when the Life Flight would be there to get Flint.  Brock went to his church meetings and I stayed home with the kids to wait for the call and make sure everything was in order.  At about 9:20, the NICU called and told us they’d be there in about an hour and that we should head up to the hospital.  I texted Brock and told him it was time.  At that moment, Brock was standing at the pulpit in church, announcing the speakers for sacrament meeting.  When he sat down and saw my text, he showed it to his two counselors, got up to leave, and quickly drove home.

                Soon after he arrived home, the NICU called back and said the Medevac team had an emergency run they had to make somewhere else, so we would be delayed a bit.  They would call when they were actually on their way.  Meanwhile, my parents arrived from San Antonio, so we all relaxed and waited…and waited…and waited.  FINALLY at about 4:00, we decided that Brock had better get on the road.  We originally thought we could both fly with Flint, but after realizing just one of us could, we decided that Brock would drive over and meet us in Dallas.  We were hoping the kids would get a peek at Flint, and Brock wanted to be there to see that, but we knew if he waited any longer, he wouldn’t get to Dallas until VERY late. Right about the time he decided to drive, the NICU called and told us the Medevac team would be there at 6:00.  Brock got in the van and headed for Dallas while Mom and Dad, the kids, and me had dinner and got ready to head to the hospital. 

                The Medevac crew arrived at the hospital a little after we did, and I was immediately impressed by their kindness. We went to Flint’s room and they spent about half an hour getting him all situated and ready to go.  I lost it for a little at this point, as the reality of everything kept setting in.  The nurses and staff were SO sweet and tender with me and I’m so grateful for their goodness at a difficult time.  I also explained to them that my four older kids hadn’t yet met Flint, and they were waiting in the hall with my parents. When I asked if there was any way that we could slow down and let them take a quick look at Flint on the way out, they immediately reassured me that they would not only slow down, but they would even stop and get Flint out so the kids could really see him.  I can’t tell you how relieved and excited I was for this!  I have been hoping for so long (and so have the kids) that there could be some way for them to see Flint before he got the shunt in.  No one was able to tell me for sure if it would be possible, so when they were so willing to make time for them to meet, it just warmed my heart!

                Once they wheeled him out of the NICU, the kids finally got their chance to meet.  The nurse took him right out of his case and let the kids take their time saying hi.  Flint was WIDE AWAKE and just stared at his big sister and brothers, and they stared right back.  They were all pretty enamored with each other.  It was so sweet, and you can’t tell me that Flint didn’t know EXACTLY who those kids were.  This will always be a favorite memory for me!

    Finally it was time to go so I kissed everyone goodbye and followed the medevac team and my son down the hall, into the elevator, out of the hospital, and into the ambulance.  We took a short drive to the airport and then got on a TEENY plane, flew to Dallas, got on another ambulance, and arrived here at the Children’s Medical Center. 

                Once here, I met up with Brock and they just oriented us to the NICU and got Flint all squared away.  They wouldn’t let him eat until after his surgery, so he was pretty fussy last night and even fussier this morning. While I have felt bad for Flint being so hungry, I’ve also been in heaven because the NICU here encourages lots of holding, whenever you want, so we’ve been cuddling with Flint all morning.  It’s been wonderful  to hold him and love him and I can’t wait to keep snuggling him the whole time we’re here!

                We had an experience this morning on our way into the hospital though, that I wanted to share.  There is a check-in desk as soon as you walk into this hospital.  You have to check in each time you come to the hospital and they check your ID and print off a name badge for you.  There was one line to stand in, and you just wait for the next available worker to check in.  When it was our turn, Brock and I stepped towards the worker, but before we could get there another man stepped in front of us with his mom.  You could tell he had already checked in, but was now escorting his mother to the desk to do the same thing. It wasn’t a big deal to us that he cut us off, so we just stepped back to the line.  His mother saw what happened and started apologizing  to us.  We told her it wasn’t a big deal and she said “I’m so sorry he did that!  I’m so sorry!  It’s just that his son is about to have brain surgery so he’s a little out of it!”  I just looked at the lady and said “Yes, our son is about to have brain surgery too, and he’s only 3 weeks old.” She looked a little shocked when I said this and then she said “Oh, bless you.”  I just smiled back and said “Bless us all!” 

                I just thought this was such an interesting experience and it taught me a lot.  We really weren’t bugged by what happened, but I found it so interesting that she was justifying her son’s behavior by assuming that he was in a more difficult situation than we were in.  I realized how often we ALL do this!  We are so caught up in our own tough time and fail to see that there are so many others around us suffering in their own way, and often the other situation is WAY worse than what we are going through.  I have been reminded constantly through this, that everyone has hard times and there is always someone who has it worse. 

                I think that’s it for now.  We still haven’t heard how the surgery is going, but they told us they’d let us know as soon as it’s done.  We’re feeling very peaceful but will be even more happy when Flint is with us again and his surgery is over.

Off We Go!

       I'm way too tired to write much or go into details, but I wanted to update here that we are finally on our way to Dallas tomorrow.  YAY!  Flint's surgery is scheduled for Monday or Tuesday, and then we'll stay there for the next 3 or 4 days while he recovers.  My SAINTLY parents will be here to take care of the rest of the kids for the second time in three weeks!  I am so very grateful for their support and willingness to help us, even when it is not convenient for them.  I really don't know how we'd get through this without their help. 
        Flint is doing great and now weighs 5 pounds!  Part of that is the extra fluid in his brain, so we are looking forward to this shunt surgery for more than one reason.  I'll write more once we're there and have some time to breathe!

Good News and Bad News

              The last few days have seemed SO SLOW while we have waited to solidify details of Flint’s surgery.  Last Friday, our doctors here sent Dr. Weprin (Dallas neurosurgeon) copies of the MRI they did after Flint was born.  Then Flint hit the all-important 2 kilo weight mark on Monday night (YAY Flint!), so we hoped we’d be on our way to Dallas Tuesday morning.  However, we still hadn’t heard the final word from Dr. Weprin on whether or not all other systems were ready to go.  After a slight run-around our doctor here finally learned yesterday that Dr. Weprin hadn’t received the MRI that was supposed to have been sent to him 5 days previous.  Bad news!  UGH!  Enough of this waiting agony!  Apparently the neonatologist gave the people in the radiology department quite the chewing out for not getting the records sent.  As our nurse said, “He’s pretty laid back, until someone messes with one of his babies!”  I’m glad to know he’s so protective!  These little ones need someone to fight for them sometimes, and I’m glad our doctor here is doing all he can to do just that.  So, the MRI has now been overnighted to Dr. Weprin, who SHOULD have received it today.  Hopefully we’ll get some kind of confirmation that all things are good to go soon and then we’ll really be on our way to Dallas (we hope).

                Waiting for the surgery to happen finally took longer than we had available to wait, given Flint’s head size.  It has increased dramatically over the last week and is causing him discomfort, plus it is causing the Bradys I talked about in my last post.  They finally decided to do a spinal tap to relieve some of the pressure and give my poor little Flint a break after a rough couple of days.  They basically just gave him a shot in his back and sucked out some of the extra spinal fluid.  This is by no means a permanent procedure, but it buys us some time to work out logistics and get everything squared away in Dallas.  Most importantly, it relieves some of the discomfort and pressure Flint has been feeling over the last couple of days.  He’s been kind of fussy lately because of all this, but today when I saw him at touch time, he laid in his isolette and just stared calmly at me while I touched his head and talked to him.  He didn’t cry or fuss at all, and I was happy to know that he seemed very content.  YAY for a little relief for my little warrior!  Good news!

                When I went to see him yesterday, I immediately noticed he was wearing CLOTHES!  He has always only worn a diaper, but as of yesterday he was officially holding his temperature on his own so they moved him into clothes.  Good news – YAY!  While I was standing next to him, totally caught up in the fact that he was wearing clothes, the nurse walked up and said “I guess you noticed we had to put him back on a little oxygen.”  Bad news!   Actually, I was so distracted by the clothes he was wearing that I hadn’t even noticed the nasal candela until she pointed it out to me – I know, I’m a dork!  He had been having so many Bradys that they felt he needed to be back on a little oxygen (she kept calling it a whiff).  This has helped tremendously, and he’s hardly had any more “events” since then.  Again though, hopefully getting the shunt will help with this situation.  We are basically just in a holding pattern, waiting on the surgery.  We’ve had to stop bottle feeds and are just trying to keep him comfortable and gaining weight.

                One final bit of good news is that we FINALLY got the insurance squared away as far as the life-flight to Dallas.  I called my insurance over a month ago to find out how life-flight worked, since I knew it was going to be needed.  They told me that any type of ambulatory service would be billed as out-of-network, which basically meant I would be left with a huge bill.  The lady at my insurance even told me that usually those flights run from $80,000 to $100,000, and the life flight company would bill that directly to me and we’d be stuck paying it all.  I have been SO worried about this issue since I first discussed it with my insurance!  I just could not comprehend how they couldn’t cover it.  The doctor in Dallas had told me not to worry about it and that insurance always takes care of this issue.  But when the insurance company is telling you one story and the doctor is telling you the opposite story, it’s hard to sort out who is right!  Thank goodness for the social worker at the hospital though!  She got on the phone with my insurance yesterday, and together she and our insurance determined that since Flint needs the procedure and his medical needs make flying him (instead of driving) a necessity, the whole flight is covered!  REALLY GOOD NEWS!  I’m still not sure why my insurance used such scare tactics on me.  It’s not like this shunt is an optional cosmetic surgery!  Why not just tell me the facts from the start, instead of making me worry about that on top of all the other things I’ve worried about for the last 4 months?!  At any rate, we are relieved to find out that this flight will be covered the same way as all the other bills we’ll be getting.  Thank goodness for savings and insurance!  Together, those two things will make this all manageable, instead of devastating!

                That’s it for now.  I’m REALLY hoping that a definite plan will be figured out tomorrow.  I promise to update once I know all the details.  Thanks again for all the prayers, love, service, and support.  They are felt in tangible ways!

2 Weeks!

               Today I would have been 36 weeks along if I were still pregnant.  Instead, I am blessed to celebrate my miracle baby’s 2^nd week of life!  It’s been a good week, for the most part, with just a few rough patches at the end of it. 

                Last Saturday, we met with the neonatologist and neurosurgeon to discuss the details of where and when to do Flint’s shunt surgery.  There are no pediatric neurosurgeons where we live, so we had already planned to have Dr. Weprin, who we met with in Dallas, do the surgery once Flint was the right size.  However, the neonatologist had spoken with the neurosurgeon here (Dr. Errington) and they both felt like there was no need to make us go to Dallas, unless we were more comfortable with that option.  Dr. Errington told us he hadn’t done many shunt surgeries on kids, but he felt comfortable enough to do it on Flint once Flint hit 5 kilograms (11 pounds).  Since Flint’s swelling is increasing, he suggested doing a temporary procedure where they put a reservoir in Flint’s head, and then every couple of days they use a needle to extract any extra fluid that has accumulated.  This would just buy us time until Flint was big enough for the permanent shunt procedure.  We really weren’t sure if this was the best option, so Dr. Errington told us he would talk with Dr. Weprin in Dallas to see what he recommended. 

                The next day, Dr. Errington told us he’d had a great conversation with Dr. Weprin about Flint’s surgery, and that he had learned a lot!  Dr. Weprin told him that he does shunt surgeries at only 2 kilograms (about 4 ½ pounds), that therefore there’s really no need for the temporary reservoir surgery, and that the shunt Dr. Errington always puts in is kind of outdated and just causes too many problems.  Having received this new knowledge, Dr. Errington then shared with us that he was totally comfortable doing the surgery on Flint when he hit 2 kilos.  When he said this, my thought was “Huh?  Did he just say what I think he said?  Did he really just say that he was comfortable doing a surgery on my son’s BRAIN when he has NEVER done it on someone as small as him, and he has never used the kind of shunt the pediatric neurosurgeon suggests using?”  While he may be fine giving it a shot, I assure you that Brock and I are NOT fine with him experimenting on Flint!  We actually really like this doctor.  He is humble and has always been totally fine with us sticking with our Dallas plans, but we were really kind of shocked that he was still offering to do the surgery, given all the new information he learned from the guy who does these surgeries all the time on babies. 

                Needless to say, we decided to stick with our Dallas plans, even though it will mean a life-flight that our insurance probably won’t cover, my mom having to come up to help with kids while we’re gone, and the hassles associated with traveling to Dallas.  However, we feel SO much more comfortable putting Flint in the hands of the doctor who does these procedures on a regular basis.  So at this point, we are just waiting for Flint to get a little more chub on him.  As of now, he weighs 1.881 kilos and he gains about 50 grams a day.  At this rate, he should hit the 2 kilo mark by Monday or Tuesday, so we should be able to go to Dallas and be back before this week is over.  This is a really good thing, because his poor little head has been swelling a lot over the last couple of days.  The nurses have been telling us that the increased pressure in his brain is probably contributing to the increased amount of “Bradys” that he has experienced lately.  A normal heart-rate for a baby is anywhere from 165 to 199.  When Flint gets mad, it goes up over 200 and his monitors start beeping, but it’s not a big deal and it quickly goes back down to the normal range.  A Brady though, is the opposite.  This occurs when his heart-rate drops down to under 80.  When this happens, he stops breathing and his skin gets ashy looking because his oxygen levels are too low.  The monitors really go crazy at this point, but after a little bit he pulls his heart-rate back up and starts breathing normally again.   Bradys freak me out, BUT they are very normal in preemies.  However, for a few days there he was having way more than normal.  I’m not sure how  it all relates, but the fact that his head is swelling and the amount of Bradys he’s had has increased means it’s a really good thing that he’s almost big enough for the surgery, because he needs it! I will be terrified when they actually perform this surgery on my son, but I will be relieved when it’s over and we can check one more item of worry off our list!

                In addition to gaining weight, another thing Flint is working on is learning to eat.  The nurses started bottle-feeding him this week, and he is slowly getting the hang of it.  He has to learn how to coordinate sucking, swallowing, and breathing, plus he’s got to get strong enough so he can finish the whole feeding in half an hour.  Any more than that, and he burns too many calories.  It’s kind of a tricky process at this age, plus it really wears him out!  It is really cute to watch him work so hard to eat, and he gets so mad when he has to burp.  It may sound weird, but it makes me so happy that I can tell from the sounds he makes that he needs to burp.  Because we are so limited in our interactions with him, there are many things I still don’t know about Flint.  But I’ve been around during his feedings enough to recognize his way of telling me he’s getting a little too gassy.  Oh, the things I’ve taken for granted with my first four kids!

                Now that he can eat without gagging himself, Brock and I have finally gotten a few chances to help him learn to bottle-feed.  He’s still learning the whole process, but he’s good enough that we get to help him learn.  I also got to give him 2 baths this week.  He LOVES his baths!  Of course, it helps that there’s a heating lamp right above the sink so he stays toasty warm, but it is so cute to watch how relaxed he gets in that setting. 

Feeding him and giving him a bath have been much-needed, special experiences!  I cannot describe how wonderful it is to get to ACT like his mom, instead of just BE his mom.  It is hard to leave him at the hospital each day, and I miss him like crazy.  A couple of times this week, he’s cried while I’ve been there and it’s made me so mad that I can’t just take care of him like I can my other kids.   A week ago, I felt totally fine knowing we had one week down and only 5 more to go.  I remember thinking “I can do this.  It will be a piece of cake because we’re already 1/6^th of the way through”.  My perspective on that has changed a little this week.  I am getting frustrated with having to leave him at the hospital and can’t believe that we are ONLY 1/3^rd of the way through.  I know that leaving him in the NICU is going to get REALLY old and REALLY frustrating before we’re all done there.  I’ve cried a few times this week as I’ve been frustrated with the long wait we still have before we get to bring him home. 

As for my other kids, they are doing fairly well, though we have certainly had an increase of melt-downs this week.  They are stressed out with the change of schedule and with how often Mom and Dad aren’t around.  We’re trying to keep things as normal as possible for them, but it is still a stressful time, and they can feel it.  As it gets closer to the time when Flint can come home, we will be needed more at the hospital, especially when it is time for Flint to learn how to nurse.  I’m hoping we can ALL learn patience through this whole thing and come out better and stronger for it!

Before I end this update, I wanted to share a text message a friend sent to me:  “When you post pics of Flint it gives me encouragement on my hard days to keep pushing through.  If he hasn’t blessed anyone else he at least does this for me.”  I was so touched by this sweet message.  It brought me great joy as I reflected on the many ways this strong little boy has blessed people’s lives.   I know I have learned an infinite amount of lessons through him, and I’m so glad that Heavenly Father is using this sweet little boy to inspire others and to show the great power He has to work miracles.  Tender mercies abound!

1 Week Old!

          One week ago, I met my sweet Flint for the first time in this life.   While my husband gently touched my face, I laid shaking on an operating table, silently praying with my eyes slammed shut while tears still found a way to ooze out of them.  I was terrified – more afraid than I’ve ever been at any point in my life - until I heard that sweet little cry.  It was a weak cry, but nevertheless, it told me that my son was alive.  I spent half of my pregnancy worried that I would never hear that cry and my son would die before I even met him.  With that sweet little cry, those fears were finally put to rest.  I finally saw that sweet, teeny little face for about 15 seconds, and then he was gone.  Seven hours later, I finally touched him when his perfect little hand wrapped around my finger.  It was a special, sacred moment.  We have been blessed with many more sweet and tender moments as we have gotten to know Flint over the past week.  His spirit is so strong and I am overwhelmed by how close I feel to my Father in Heaven whenever I hold him!  He is my sweet miracle baby, and I am SO grateful he is mine!
                Flint is definitely tough and he is thriving!  He has gained half a pound since his birth and now weighs 3 lbs. 8 oz.  He no longer has his IV, nasal candela, or eye patches for the bilirubin light.  The only thing he still has on his face is a feeding tube that goes up his nose and straight to his stomach.  He is on “full feedings” now, so they moved the feeding tube from his mouth to his nose so he doesn’t accidentally tongue the tube out of his mouth.  He is starting to root and loves sucking on his pacifier, all of which are signs that he is about ready to start bottle feeding.  Once he starts that, then we can finally work towards breast feeding which I cannot WAIT for!  He has “touch times” every 3 hours where we or the nurses change his diaper, take his temperature, and do all his tests or stats.   Once every 24 hours, we get to hold him.  A few people wanted to know why Brock was dressed the way he was in the pictures I posted last time of Brock holding Flint.  Every time we go into the NICU, we have to scrub down and then put on a hospital gown.  When we hold Flint, we can either hold him wrapped in his blanket, or we can do “skin time” with him, where we hold his bare body against our bare chest.  This skin-to-skin contact helps the baby in innumerable ways and is great for mom and dad too.  We love getting to share that special bonding time with Flint, especially since we are so deprived of other interactions with him.  So for anyone wondering why Brock was flashing his chest hairs around, it’s all for the love of a child!
                Tomorrow we are going to meet with the neonatologist and neurosurgeon to decide where and when we will do the shunt surgery.  For some reason, this has started to overwhelm me a little.  If Flint was “just” a preemie, I wouldn’t worry at all about his future.  He is rocking the preemie world!  However, Flint still has his brain issue to deal with, and there are so many unknowns with that that still scare me.  My fears at this point though are totally different than they were a week ago.  Before I met Flint, my fears were all selfish fears:  How is MY life going to be affected by his possible disability?  What will I have to change in MY world to accommodate this?  Will MY life ever be the same?  Now though, I am totally enraptured by this little boy and I don’t care AT ALL about how MY life will change.  Now, any fears I have are totally centered around how these things might affect FLINT.  I just want him to be HAPPY and love his life!  If he is limited in any way, I can handle it just fine as long as HE is fine with it.  I feel strongly that Flint chose to come to earth in this specific way, and I just hope that down the road, he doesn’t feel like he got the bum end of the deal.  His spirit is so special and strong, and I hope that if he does have any limitations because of his disability, his spirit will be strong enough to be okay with it.  I just love him so much and hate the thought of his life being limited in any way by his Dandy-Walker Malformation.  Only time will tell what his life condition will be, but I am so happy to be his mom!  I am so grateful for all I have learned because of his huge, perfect spirit that lives inside his tiny, imperfect body.  One thing is for sure: my life will definitely never be the same.  It will be so much better! 

 

Happy one week of life Flint!

 

 

 

Going Home

           I'm home and tired, but I wanted to write a quick update about the last couple of days.  Flint is doing SO WELL!  He is defying the odds and we are so excited, humbled, and blessed to be a part of his journey!  This morning he had his vision test and he PASSED!  Since I found out that his vision could be affected by his condition, I have been so worried about this issue in particular.  For some reason, the possibility of him being blind hurts me more than the possibility of him not walking or doing other things.  I just REALLY wanted him to be able to see!  Several times when I've been with him he has looked all over and even seems to be focusing in on things in the room, but who am I to say what he's actually doing?  I was so relieved to hear that as far as vision goes, so far, so good!  They'll do another follow-up test in a couple of weeks to make sure, but at this point, that is not an issue.  We are so GRATEFUL!
           Another thing Flint is doing really well on is his weight gain (he gets that from me).  He is up 3 ounces from his birth weight, so now he weighs 3 lbs. 4 oz.  That's pretty good weight gain from any baby, let alone a preemie who was growth restricted.  The doctors all say he is fairly stable and they are beginning to assess the timing for him to receive his shunt.  The doctor today even suggested that we could probably do the shunt here, instead of having to go to Dallas, which would be AWESOME!!  I am just amazed at how Flint is defying the odds and know this little boy is going to be a living testimony to the power of God!  Plus, on top of that, he is JUST SO CUTE!!!
          The only sad part right now, was having to go home from the hospital without him.  I thought I would handle it fine!  I have dear friends and family members who have had to go home from a hospital without their baby, and it's not because their baby is still in the NICU.  It's because their baby didn't survive.  I know that going home without a baby for that reason is far more difficult than what I had to do today.  Still though, it was bitter-sweet to get in the car with everyone from my family...except Flint.  The only comfort I have is in knowing that he is in the best place for his needs right now.  He is well taken care of and I will be in the NICU a lot over the next several weeks, doing all I can to help him progress.  I miss him though, and I miss being able to walk down the hall to say hello to him whenever I want.  The next few months will be hard as we juggle our home life and kids' schedules with the NICU life and Flint's schedule.  I'm SO happy to have to figure this out though!  What a blessing that Flint is here and thriving!  Even though the future is still uncertain, we feel so incredibly blessed!

Days 2 and 3 (August 31 - September 1)

                Yesterday morning Brock and I headed to the NICU to spend some more time with Flint.  At this point, the only time we’d really been with him was when he held our fingers the night before.  The NICU is closed every day from 6:30-8:00 a.m. and p.m. while they do a shift change.  We showed up right at 8 to see him but were told he was in the middle of lab-work so we’d have to come back later. About an hour later, they told us we could go in but couldn’t touch him for a while. He was still pretty upset by all the tests they’d run on him that morning and he just needed to be able to settle in and rest. His platelet levels were a little too high and he was pretty dehydrated, so they didn’t want him eating any actual food yet until they could get him more stabilized.  They had also done another MRI on his brain, which confirmed the findings from the MRI in Dallas.  We were relieved to know that at this point, we’re not looking at any additional problems, other than the original Dandy Walker prognosis.  The neurosurgeon here confirmed that yes, a shunt will be needed, but when exactly it needs to happen is still up in the air.  The will continue to measure the amount of swelling in his brain and make sure he’s doing well before they determine exactly when that procedure will occur.  In the meantime though, his doctor told us Flint is doing really well, especially for a preemie.  Good boy, Flint!

                Since he was pretty worked up from his morning, we decided to go back to the room until the next “touch time” (at 8, 12, and 4).  Meanwhile, my parents were home with the kids, getting them ready to come up for a visit.  Since we are heading into RSV season, they are not allowed in the NICU at all while Flint’s here, but at this point they hadn’t even seen me since Flint was born.  My parents explained to the kids that they were going to go out to eat for breakfast and then they’d come visit me in the hospital.  When they told Duke this, his response was “Can’t I go see my mom first and then go out to eat?”  You have to know that my Duke LOVES breakfast.  He especially LOVES breakfast when he gets to eat at a restaurant, so the fact that he wanted to see me first says a lot about how he was doing.

They showed up here around 10, and we had a good time loving on them and talking them through everything that had been going on.  They were doing well, but you could tell they wanted their mommy and they wanted their little brother.  They are very sweet kids and I am excited for them to get to meet Flint in the months ahead!

                We spent the rest of Saturday resting, and finally by the 4:00 touch time, Flint had relaxed enough that I could touch him.  I felt bad because by this point, Brock was home with the kids, so he missed his chance with Flint yesterday.  I did get to change his diaper and take his temperature, and was SO excited to FINALLY get to do something for Flint that made me feel like his mom. It’s amazing what bonding occurs just from going through labor and then holding your new baby.  By this point, I hadn’t been able to do any of those things, so it was still very surreal for me.  Being able to actually interact with him though was wonderful and helped reconfirm to me that he is, indeed my child!

                I spent last night by myself here at the hospital so Brock and everyone else could be home and ready for church today.  At 8:00 this morning, I went to the NICU to see Flint and drop off the little breast milk I was making.  I was met at the door by the nurse who said “I’m glad you brought that this morning, because we’re going to feed him today.  Do you want to hold him when the time comes?” AHHHHHHH!!!!!  MUSIC TO MY EARS!!!!!  She told me that once he’s eating real food, they change his eating times to 8, 11, 2, and 5 so I should come back at 10:45 to get washed up and hold him while he ate.  At this point, the milk is put in a little medicine syringe and then it just goes into a tube that goes into his mouth and to his stomach.  He’s still not really EATING, but it’s an all-important first step!  I really couldn’t believe we were already at that point and thought this would come much later down the road, so I was thrilled to hear that I was finally going to be able to hold him!  When I returned at 10:45, Flint was laying in his little isolette, with his eyes wide open! This was the first time I’d seen his eyes and I just cried and cried when I saw him! They got him all situated and wrapped up warm, had me sit in a rocking chair, and then they laid him in my arms.  He was kind of fussy by this point because of all the jostling he had just gone through, but as soon as I got him I told him “Only one of us gets to cry at a time, and now it’s my turn!”  I snuggled against him, he stopped crying, and just stared me down with his eyes.  There is a possibility of vision problems that comes with Flint’s diagnosis, and at this age, I don’t know how much a preemie could see anyway, but it sure felt like Flint was reading my soul!  I just sat there and talked to him and sang to him while I held the syringe and milk slowly dripped into his mouth.  I cried and cried, but they were such happy tears!  My little boy was finally here, and I was finally able to touch him and feel like I was doing something to help him.  The spirit is so incredibly strong in that little cubicle!  I’ve said before, and many of you have mentioned in your comments, that there are angels all around him right now. I have no doubt that that is true!  I know there are many family members who have gone on before me who are surrounding Flint, loving, and comforting him while he is going through this, and their presence is very strong when I am there!

                I held him and kissed on him for about an hour, and he slowly fell asleep. Finally the nurse came and told me it was time to lay him back down but that I could hold him once a day.  I can still touch him at the other times, but for now we only get one holding a day, so as to not over-stimulate him too much. 

                I’ve spent the rest of the day updating this and trying to get some rest. I’m feeling pretty good, though I’m still too worked up to sleep very well so I’ve got a pretty massive exhaustion headache.  I’m very happy with how things are going though and know we are incredibly blessed right now!  My family is on their way up to the hospital now, so it will be good to have some family time togethertonight.  It looks like I’ll probably be released from the hospital tomorrow, and then we’ll begin figuring out how to do the whole NICU/ family experience for the next several weeks.  Life is good though, and again, we cannot overstate how much we’ve appreciated everyone’s love and support.  It is such a blessing to not have to walk this path alone!

Flint's Birthday - August 30!

   HE IS HERE!  It’s been a crazy week, and ended much differently than I thought it would, but all is as well as can be expected right now.  Flint is adorable, tough, and fighting hard.  He is definitely living up to his name!

                I had an appointment Tuesday morning (the 27^th) to do a biophysical profile on Flint.  Since I got back from San Antonio, they have done these once a week to check the general well-being of the baby and watch for things like amniotic fluid level, heart rate, and placental functioning and flow.  At my appointment on Tuesday, they saw the very beginnings of the placenta giving out.  It wasn’t happening frequently or seriously, but it was bad enough that my doctor had me go over to the hospital so they could do a non-stress test on Flint and monitor him better.  When they do a non-stress test, they simply watch the baby’s heart-rate and want to see him do two rounds of accelerations within about 25 minutes. Once they hooked me up, Flint did exactly what they wanted to hear him do in about 10 minutes.  WHEW!  I left happy to know that while the placenta was starting to give way, we probably still had a few more weeks and we’d just keep going to my doctor appointments as scheduled.

                On Wednesday morning though, Dr. Castillo called and said she wanted to modify our plan a little.  She decided to have me go back to the hospital Wednesday and Thursday for more monitoring, and this time she also wanted me to get a steroid shot that would help Flint’s lungs mature faster, in case he came sooner than we wanted.  In addition, she also scheduled me for another biophysical profile on Friday morning, so she could see how the placenta was holding up.  Luckily, Brock and I already had an appointment that afternoon at the hospital to meet with the neonatologist who would be responsible for Flint’s care after he was born.  We met with Dr. Haider at 2:00 and felt very at peace with our decision to deliver Flint in Amarillo.  He answered many of our questions and calmed a lot of our fears with regards to Flint’s progress after birth, as well as insurance issues we still hadn’t cleared up.  It was a blessing to have this opportunity to meet with him, especially considering the fact that two days later Flint had arrived and is now in his care!

                After we met with Dr. Haider on Wednesday afternoon, Brock went back to work and I got my steroid shot and did another non-stress test on Flint.  Once again, I was relieved that he passed beautifully in only a matter of minutes. The same thing happened on Thursday, so the fact that he was responding so well in those tests convinced me that it was a false alarm and we still had some time before things went south.

                Friday I dragged myself out of bed to go to my EIGHTH doctor’s appointment of the week.  I was the first and only car in the Texas Tech School of Medicine parking lot for my 7:40appointment.  Once inside, they immediately started the biophysical profile, and from what I could see, things looked fine (not that I know what I’m looking for, but you kind of start to get the hang of it once you’ve done these every week).  One thing they could not get Flint to do though, was his breathing exercises.  Once babies reach a certain gestational age, they start to do little breathing motions that help mature their lungs.  They like to see a baby do these or get the hiccups once during a 30 minute period.  We waited and waited, but Flint wouldn’t do it, so the nurse finally called my OB at her office. She came back and told me Dr. Castillo wanted me to drive over to her office to talk with her.  I still didn’t think anything of it and just called Brock and told him to plan on keeping the kids a little longer because I needed to go see Dr. Castillo for a bit. 

                When I walked into Dr. Castillo’s office, she met me in the waiting room and said “Well, it looks like it’s time to induce your labor and get the baby here.”  After all the other positive results from the week, I was surprised by this and asked her if we could just wait until Monday.  I wanted time for my parents to get here, plus our insurance term is September through August.  All along, I have hoped we’d make it to September so we didn’t have to pay two rounds of deductibles and all the other yucky stuff involved with paying for hospital stays and surgeries.  It still just didn’t seem like a big deal to me, but she told me she was going out of town until Tuesday and didn’t want to wait until then to get him here. She also said that the fact he had done so well on the non-stress tests indicated that he would probably tolerate labor well, ,which would just give him a good start anyway, considering all he’d have to go through once he arrived.  I asked if there was at least time to wait for my parents to arrive from San Antonio. She said that if they left right away, they’d probably still arrive in time for the delivery, since it would take awhile to get me prepped and labor started.  She said they’d monitor me first for a bit to make sure labor was really necessary and then we could decide from there if it was really time to deliver.  The nurse then took my blood pressure and chuckled when she saw the results.  “I think we have officially stressed you out” she said.  I don’t know both sets of numbers, but I know the top number was 150.  Needless to say, I was a little anxious.

                I immediately called my parents and told them “today is the day” and they grabbed their stuff and headed out the door, knowing it would still take at least 8 hours for them to get here.  Once they knew, I called Brock and told him it looked like they were going to start me on labor, but that they would monitor me first to make sure it was really necessary.  He had a meeting to go to and I told him to just take the kids and go, that it would be awhile before he would be needed, even if they did indeed decide to induce me.  I went over to the hospital and got checked in and set up in a labor room.  They immediately put the heart rate monitors on me and I laid in bed, answering the typical check-in questions while I listened to Flint’s heart beating at a nice, rapid pace. It took forever to get through all the check-in questions, so I still hadn’t had a chance to get back with Brock and let him know what was going on.  He was in his meeting and I was figuring out what we would do with our kids until my parents arrived when they finally decided to start me on Pitocin. I hadn’t seen Dr. Castillo since I got to the hospital, but the fact that they decided to start me on Pitocin obviously meant that for whatever reason, she had decided it was definitely time.  When I finally got to really talk with Brock on the phone, I told him they were indeed starting labor and he needed to get up to the hospital.  We arranged for our friend Denise Carver to take the kids and were talking about other plans for our hospital stay. 

                While I was on the phone with Brock, I all of a sudden heard Flint’s heart rate drop.  It was beating at a nice, strong, rapid rate when all of a sudden it plummeted.  The nurse wasn’t in the room with me at the time, but I told Brock he’d better hurry because I knew that wasn’t a good sign.  About a minute later, his heart rate was back to normal and a nurse came walking into the room.  I asked her if Flint was okay and she said “Well, he wasn’t there a minute ago.  He’s fine again now, but that’s not a good sign.  I’m just waiting on Dr. Castillo, but my guess is that she’s going to decide that we just need to do an emergency c-section to get him here safely.”  About 2 minutes later, Dr. Castillo showed up and confirmed that the fact that his heart rate dropped so badly indicated he was not going to do well in labor and they wanted to get me prepped for a c-section.  I told them my husband was about 20 minutes away and she said that would be just about right, but she didn’t want to see the heart rate drop like that again.  She also said she had been watching his heart rate from her office since they very first hooked me up that morning and that Flint looked like a completely different baby at that point than he had the rest of the week.  She knew it was definitely time to get him here…NOW!

                The nurses were in the middle of getting me all prepped when Brock walked into the room.  I saw him and burst into tears.  I was scared but it was so wonderful to have him there with me.  He gave me a quick hug, the nurse handed him some scrubs and said “Put those on now.”  He put them on just in time to help wheel me out the door and down the hall to the OR.  By the time we got to the OR, it was all I could do to hold myself still long enough to get the epidural for the c-section.  I was shaking all over - whether through shock or fear, I don’t know - but it was definitely the hardest point of the experience for me.  I was just so afraid of all that was coming in the next several minutes.  I just laid on the OR bed with my eyes closed, silently praying and crying. Brock was a wonderful support, and after several minutes they told him he could stand up to see Flint.  Brock said Dr. Castillo started pulling Flint out but met some resistance and couldn’t do it.  It was then that they realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  It was very thin, which was exactly what was expected, given the growth restriction, but it was definitely wrapped in a way that would have been detrimental had we progressed with a vaginal delivery.  While I couldn’t see anything, I finally heard a small, weak cry coming from Flint.  It wasn’t strong, but it was enough to let me know he was here and alive. 

                The NICU staff took him to a corner of the room and got him stabilized. It was a huge blessing to us that this happened quite quickly.  All along, we have not known how Flint would do once he was on his own and not attached to me anymore.  It was a relief and miracle that he stabilized well enough, relatively quickly.  Once he got to a stable point, they brought him over to me and I got one quick look at his face before they took him away.  He looked beautiful, and while I was still afraid, I was so very grateful for all the miracles that had occurred already to this point, so we could have him alive with us in that moment.   Brock followed him to the NICU, and I fell asleep while they sewed me back up.  Again, I don’t know if that was a response to the drugs they gave me, or just my body’s way of handling the stress, but I had a nice little nap on the OR table until they wheeled me into the recovery room.      

                Once in the recovery room, Brock showed up again with a few more pictures.   We continued to talk with Dr. Castillo, and she said a couple of things that I thought were quite interesting.  First, she’s pretty confident that he would not have even made it to the end of the day if we had tried to wait.  She said from Thursday to Friday it was like he’d gone through a complete transformation and was a totally different baby who needed to come now.  She just kept saying “I can’t believe how perfect the timing worked out for all this.  Really, 34 weeks is good with this kind of growth restriction, his weight is pretty stable, and we got the steroid injections for his lungs at just the right time.  It’s like it was meant to be!”  One of the nurses said “I think the angels were really looking out for this one.”  Can I get an “AMEN” to that one?  I absolutely agree!  Again, this was not the “perfect” labor story we had hoped for when we decided to have another baby, but at the same time, it is so easy to see the many miracles Heavenly Father has placed in our path to remind us that this is all part of His plan and He is intimately aware and in control of this situation. 

                Once we were done in the recovery room, they wheeled me to my actual hospital room where I have been since then.  We spent the rest of the day waiting for the drugs to wear off so I could get in a wheel chair and go visit Flint.  My mom and dad walked in about 5:00.  It’s funny how in a scary situation, no matter how brave or in control you may be, you instantly become a little child again the instant you see your parents.  They walked into the room and just held me and Brock while we all shared a little cry.  Our parents, whether here with us or not, have been an amazing source of support and strength to us, and we’re so grateful for all they do to help us stay strong!

                Finally, at 8:00, my drugs had worn off enough and the NICU was ready for me to get to go see Flint.  I was so excited to finally get a good look at my sweet little man, but didn’t think I’d get to touch him or anything.  Right when I walked in though, the nurse said “OK Mom, you want to touch him?”  Uh…YA! He was all hooked up and in his warmer, but they told me to talk to him and reach my fingers in.  He was kind of fussy and when I first touched his sweet little hand, he yanked it back away from me.  I kept talking to him though and tried again.  This time he calmed down and held my finger in his hand.  I was in HEAVEN!  The same thing happened when Brock got his turn. After the fears and craziness of the day, it was wonderful to feel so peaceful there at his bedside, and to be reminded of why we’ve gone through the last several months.  It’s all about this sweet, tough little Flint and I am SO grateful he is mine! Other than the fact that he is so skinny and his head is a little too big for his body, he looks like a perfectly healthy, normal baby.  He’s got dark hair, probably more than any of my other kids have had, and he just looks beautiful.  He looks like he’s mine!  He’s 16 inches long and weighs 3 lbs. 1 oz.  He’s actually a lot sturdier than I had imagined he would be, so I am very grateful that we made it to 34 weeks with him!

                We’ve still got a lot to figure out with this little guy, but I feel very peaceful and calm about his future.  It is very easy to love him and to fight for his success. He’s doing well, but will have a long, uphill journey to get there.  I can’t wait to see what his future holds and to know what my part in his future will be.  Overall though, Brock and I are feeling very blessed. There are many miracles occurring now, and I have no doubt that there will be many more throughout the next several months and years!