Yesterday was a big day. I hit the 24 week mark, which means that the baby is technically “viable”. If a normal baby were born now, they would try hard to save its life and would, in many instances, be successful. Since our baby is not growing well though, he is still too small for them to be able to help him. The equipment is just too big and heavy for a little guy like ours to be able to support. Still, I’m glad we’re to this point and each week we “make it” will mean a better chance for our baby to “make it” too.
Last Sunday I shared with people other than family, the details of what has been going on. For so long, we had no idea what was happening so we didn’t feel it was appropriate to share. We still know very little about details, but we at least know enough to know that we’re in for a rough couple of months. Because of that, we finally decided to share everything, and I’m so glad we did! There is such a lifting of the burden when you’re not the only one who has to suffer it! Our ward has been so sweet and kind to us, and I’ve been so uplifted by people who have reached out to us from long distances as well. Many of these are people I hardly know, but they read our blog and shared their stories with me. One in particular, is a girl who grew up with my sister. I knew her family well, but she was so much younger than me that I never really knew her. Anyway, she contacted me and shared her experience with the exact same thing! She said reading my blog was like reading her journal from a year ago. In her situation, she was in the hospital on bed rest for 7 weeks before her daughter was born healthy but tiny at 34 weeks. Her daughter stayed in the NICU for 10 weeks and now she is still tiny but over a year old. While she does need a feeding tube and goes to therapy every week so she can learn to swallow, everything else is totally normal.
This was the first story I had heard that had some concrete results and a happy ending, so it was relieving to me. Many other people shared stories about their preemie babies and the normal, happy life they’ve lived. Up to that point, I had really taken what the doctors told me as the norm and felt there really wasn’t any hope for our baby to have a normal life. After hearing so many other stories though, I realized that while our outcome isn’t going to be OUR definition of perfect, there is still a LOT of room for miracles and each story and outcome is different. It really could end as bad as the doctors are saying, but it might not too. I’m grateful for the hope these experiences have given me!
The funny thing about hope though, is that while it makes everything better, it also opens the door to be hurt more. Before I heard all these stories, I had really closed myself off to any thoughts of a life on earth with this boy. I’d quit thinking of names for him, quit imagining a house with 4 boys, and didn’t let myself think about him growing up. It wasn’t something intentional I had done, but essentially I had closed myself down to feeling anything towards him because I thought I was going to lose him. After hearing these stories though, and getting a renewed sense of hope, I all of a sudden started dreaming of my life with him again. I started thinking of names for him, started talking to him again, and encouraging him to fight hard on his end, promising I’d fight hard too and do everything I could on my end of things. It scares me to hope and love him, because if things go bad it will make it even harder to lose him. Still though, I’d rather have the hope. I would much rather be where I am this week, hoping for a good outcome, than where I was last week, hoping it all ended quickly because he didn’t have a chance anyway.
I have another ultrasound this Thursday, and this time they will measure him. 5 weeks ago, he weighed 9 ounces and was measuring about a week and a half behind schedule. We’re hoping for two big things: first, that he’s GROWN, and second, that my placenta is working without a problem or care in the world. Those are both essential things for this to progress to the best possible outcome we can hope for!
In addition to yesterday being a big day because we hit the 24 week mark, it was also a big day because it was Brock’s and my 11th anniversary! Oh, I am SO unbelievably happy that I married him! The first time I ever saw him, I was so impressed by who he was and there has never been a single day when I haven’t felt that same way about him. It was kind of hard for either one of us to plan much for this anniversary because of everything else going on, but it was still a wonderful day. On Friday night, he brought me a dozen beautiful yellow roses, just like the ones in my wedding bouquet and then we danced to “our” song. When we woke up Saturday morning the kids had prepared a pancake breakfast for us and made a huge “Happy Anniversary” sign for the kitchen. After that, we went to a fun Build and Grow workshop for the kids at Lowe’s (I totally recommend doing these – it was so fun!), Brock got to pick out a tool he wanted, and then we hung out as a family all afternoon. That night we dropped the kids off at a friend’s house and went to pick out a charm for my Pandora bracelet, saw the movie “Now You See Me,” and ended the night with dinner. The Pandora charm we chose was the “Hope” charm, of course to remind us of the importance of hope at all times, but especially right now. I don’t think I’ll take off this bracelet for the next several months! J
Anyways, it was a great day and filled us both with so many wonderful memories of our time together. I am eternally grateful for the wonderful man I am married to, and even more grateful for the sealing ties which bind our family together forever. Regardless of what happens to this baby, any of our other children, or me and Brock, I know there is no “Til death do us part” in our family. Death will only separate for a time, but then we will be together forever again. “Our” song is Collin Raye’s “Love Remains,” and as we danced to it, I thought the words were especially appropriate right now:
Mama smiles, daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains
Tears and sweat they build a home
Raise a family of their own
They share joy they share pain
Through it all love remains
Kingdoms come and go but they don't last
Before you know the future is the past In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains
I don't know baby what I'd do
On this earth without you We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up the seasons change
But through it all love remains
An eternal burning flame
Hope lives on and love remains
Prayers for you and your beautiful family Jessica. We had "Love Remains" at our wedding, too. Love it. While our situation is completely different than yours, I know what it is like to have your life take a sharp turn when you are the mother of a special child. Like you said, though, God's version of fine is not the same as ours. God bless!
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