A FEW Answers....Sort Of???

                Right now we are in the van, driving on our vacation to Iowa.  I am SO excited to go, I can hardly even stand it!  There has been so much stress with all of this lately that I am thrilled to get away and visit with old friends and places, and enjoy some time away from all of this.

                Thankfully, I was able to meet with my OB yesterday and she took a lot of time to answer my questions and discuss everything we knew, as well as a lot that we didn’t.  She apologized profusely for my experience at the high risk doctor last week and the fact that the ultrasound lab tech shared information from the ultrasound without any follow up information.  She agreed that it never should have happened and felt bad at the fact that I had spent 5 days freaking out, wondering what these new developments meant.    It’s amazing how far a little empathy can go in helping you feel better about a bad situation! 

The good news is that the fluid in his brain is really not a big deal.  People have this condition and live very normal lives.  There is a surgery involved after he’s born where they put a shunt in his brain and it drains to his abdomen and is truly no big deal.  She said they do need to monitor it in utero and they will continue to measure the tissue around the area to make sure the fluid isn’t building up so much that it damages his brain.  This extra fluid is often associated with open neural tube defects, but they’ve been able to see so much of our baby’s spine that IF the extra fluid is because of that, the defect is so small it should have very little impact on him. Another good thing is that my placenta is still functioning and my blood pressure is just fine.  She said that USUALLY, if that is really the problem, it would have already given out by now.  Based on what they can see, there’s a good chance that we’ll make it at least far enough into the pregnancy that he will be sturdy enough to have a good shot.  The other good news is that we finally got back the results on my Cystic Fibrosis screening and I am NOT a carrier.  This means that the baby definitely does not have this problem.  Another problem eliminated, only about a million more to weed out!  We are STILL waiting on the final results of the amniocentesis.  I was supposed to get those last week, but apparently my DNA grows slowly so when they went to analyze my sample there wasn’t enough there so they had to wait for more to grow.  I SHOULD have those results by Friday and then at that point, we will have tested for everything that is possible to be tested.  My doctor really feels that nothing is going to show up on these final tests and that again, this is just a lightning bolt that is not explained.  

This leads to the tough part of all this.  I asked the doctor if she thinks all of these weird issues are a result of a bad placenta (as has been the main concern) or if she thinks there is something else going on.  She said she really feels there is something not right with the baby.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s something horrible, nor does it mean that she is right.  It just means that her gut feeling based on what she sees and has experienced is that the baby has something wrong that is just not showing up in these tests.  In all honesty, we really won’t know what is going on until he is actually here.  He’s doing just fine right now, but is that because he himself is fine, or is it because I am supporting him?  The big question is how will he respond when he is no longer attached to me as a life source.  She said that regardless of when I deliver or the results of these final tests, this little boy is going to have a team of NICU doctors and nurses in the delivery room with us, waiting for his birth and ready to whisk him away to make sure he’s stable.  She also said that these babies usually make it pretty clear within a couple of hours if they’re going to make it or not.  For now, they will just continue to check the placenta every two weeks to make sure it is doing its job, as well as watching my blood pressure.  If something does go wrong with one of those things, I will still have to be induced, regardless of how far along I am in the pregnancy.

While this news is definitely distressing, it actually hasn’t worried me.  As I’ve said before, I’ve already worked through every possible scenario in my head, and at this point I’m very aware of what the possible outcomes of this are and I have come to terms with all of them.  That doesn’t mean that when it actually happens it won’t absolutely break my heart, but for now, I am at peace and have been blessed to be able to not spend too much time worrying about all the “ifs” associated with it.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this little guy and the kind of spirit he must have.  I’m pretty sure that most of you reading this blog know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons).  The most important thing we believe is that Jesus Christ is our personal Savior and that he died so each one of us can be saved and return to our Heavenly Father.  Part of this belief includes the knowledge that our spirits are eternal.  I believe that not only will each of us live after this mortal life, but I also believe that each one of us lived before we came here to earth.  We all lived with each other and our Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ.  We progressed as much as we could there, but the only way we could truly become like our Heavenly Father was to come here to earth, get a body, and be tested. We knew the challenges we would face in this life, but trusted our Heavenly Father enough to be willing to accept those challenges.  I realize that this little boy, while a baby to this earth, is actually a mature, wise, noble spirit who wanted SO badly to come to earth and progress, that he was willing to do whatever it took to get here – even possibly taking a lousy body to do it.  Brock and I have had several conversations with different people about this, and mostly I just keep feeling honored to get to be this baby’s mother!  I don’t know yet the details of how I will get to mother him, but I am so happy that he is mine and I am his, forever!

I am grateful for the peace Brock and I have been given about this whole situation, and I’m grateful for those who have helped us to have peace.  Our family has been wonderful supports to us, sending us emails, texts, and calling on a frequent basis, just to see how we’re doing.  My sweet sister came up last week just to be here, help with the kids, and provide a little distraction for me.  I have received so many notes of encouragement from friends far and near, with many offers of service and support to help lighten the load.  If there’s one thing I have already learned in ABUNDANCE through this, it’s how important it is to take the opportunity to provide even the smallest word of support when people are suffering through the challenges of life.  The tiniest acknowledgement from someone that they are thinking of us, a simple “How are you guys doing with all of this?”, or someone sharing their own experience with grief has meant the WORLD to me at this time!  Pretending that something isn’t happening does nothing to help or comfort me, so I’ve wondered how many times I’ve seen someone suffering and just acted like I didn’t know anything about it.  I’ve learned the importance of mourning with those who mourn, as well as the power of letting someone know that I care.  This has taught me that too often, I have been way too self- absorbed and worried about my own insecurities to take the time to help someone mourn.   I hope I remember this lesson when I’m on the other side of this trial.

That’s all for now!  As I said at the beginning of this post, I am SO excited for this vacation.  Iowa is where we lived for 6 years while my husband got his Master’s and PhD and it’s kind of the place where our family really started, so it will always hold a special place in our hearts.  After some time in Ames, we will drive to Nauvoo, IL for a few days, then to Kansas City to site-see, and then we’ll slowly make our way home.  So far the kids have been great little travelers and I am really looking forward to some down-time to enjoy my sweet family and the wonderful life I’ve been blessed with!