I Am Learning

        Two weeks after leaving the NICU, Flint and I are back at the hospital for his hernia repair.  While any surgery is a little scary, this one is no big deal compared to his shunt surgery - THANK GOODNESS!  This surgery is usually a one-day thing, but because he's so young and little he will stay overnight for precautionary monitoring. 
         Being here again has made me reflect on the events of the last 5 months, since we first started finding out about Flint's condition.  I have experienced and learned things that I will never forget, and I sometimes feel like Heavenly Father created this whole experience to be a personal tutorial, catered just for me. Through Flint, I feel Him smoothing out my rough edges and providing just enough fire to mold me into more of the person He wants me to be.  I've still got a long ways to go, but this     experience is certainly helping me on my way!
         I am learning that the time to prepare for hard things is now, BEFORE the hard moment strikes.  In our life, we all will experience those moments where our lives take a dramatic change from where we wanted.  From that point on, our life will never be the same.  Who we are AT THAT MOMENT is the only tool we have to pull us through.  When this all got really crazy, I had to run on the fumes of instinct.  I didn't have the time or mental energy to even think about my actions.  Whatever was my base instinct was all I could do.  This trial was designed to expose me for who I really am and strip me down to my core.  When all the non-important stuff was out of the way, it was very easy to see me for who I really am.  Everything about me became magnified, both strengths, AND weaknesses.  I am glad I had sufficient strength and faith to rely on the Lord, and I am even more grateful for His patience in dealing with my abundant weaknesses!
         I am learning how important it is to look past outward appearances and behaviors and into the hearts of the people I come in contact with.  I know that until he has hair, the first thing people will notice when they see Flint, is the shunt in his head.  What breaks my heart though, is the thought that the shunt will prevent someone from seeing what a beautiful baby Flint is.  They will get so caught up in "What is that weird thing on his head?" that they will miss seeing the real Flint.  I know that this is going to happen, because it's exactly what I did when I first saw pictures of babies with shunts.  All I could see was the one weird thing on the baby's head, and it kept me from seeing all the other beautiful things that made that baby who he was.  I have since wondered how many times I have done that same thing with other people, in other situations?  Whether it's a physical defect, a pattern of bad behavior, or even a difference of opinion, have I gotten so stuck on the one "distraction' that I fail to see who the person really is?
         I am learning that people will find an infinite number of ways to serve when the need arises.  We have been inundated by acts of service in our behalf!  People have brought us meals, watched our kids, cleaned our house, chauffeured me around when I couldn't drive, sent care packages and treats, brought toys for our kids, made special mementos to help us remember this time, mowed the back acre of our yard, crocheted baby booties and blankets, visited in the hospital, sent notes, and the list goes on and on!  So often, a friend would send a text to see how I was doing right when I was feeling discouraged.  Friends and family who have lost babies have shared their stories with me, even when I am sure it must have been hard for them to relive so many of their experiences.  I would imagine it must even be hard for them to read my blog and know that my outcome with my child was so different than their outcome was with theirs.  Whether the person was a family member, someone from church, an old high school friend, someone from my mission, a coworker of Brock's, or a parent from Duke's football team, we have been humbled at the many people who have done all they can to walk with us down a road that was very lonely and frightening.  Even knowing that people were following our story on this blog lifted our spirits and made this whole ordeal a lot easier to handle!
         I am learning to just let the Lord be in control.  Nothing about this whole experience is what I "wanted."  I wanted a girl and I got a boy.  I wanted a vaginal delivery and I got a C-section.  I wanted a perfect and "normal" baby, but instead I got one who is going to have challenges.  It amazes me now to realize that I even wanted that baby to return home to Heavenly Father so he wouldn't have to deal with such a challenging life.  Instead of all those things I wanted, I got FLINT!  And now, I can't imagine wanting anything other than him!  I am so glad that I got what I needed instead of what I wanted, because what I needed has now become the thing that I most desire.  In this situation, I had no choice other than to accept the things that I didn't want.  Sometimes though, we DO get to choose whether we're going to do something the Lord's way and let Him be in control.  I am learning that the times of real growth come when we choose to follow the Lord's direction, even when His way isn't the same way WE want.
         Finally, the most important thing I have learned, is that when the Lord is involved, there is a LOT of room for miracles.  When we first learned that Flint's life would not be the perfect one I envisioned, there were only two miracles that I thought could even exist: that Flint would either be healed completely, or that he would die soon after he was born so he wouldn't have to go through a lifetime of challenges associated with his disability.  Neither of those miracles occurred, but time and time again over the last 2 months, I have seen other miracles worked in behalf of Flint and our family.  When my doctor first told me about Flint's growth restriction and the placenta giving out early, she said we would hopefully "make it to 24 weeks because then the baby would be viable." I wanted a lot more than just "viable" and was in agony over what they would try to do to my baby if he was born that early and that small.  My sister lost her baby at 32 weeks, and he weighed 3 pounds.  I held him in my arms, and while he was very small, he still felt like a baby and not a doll to me.  Because of that experience, I always felt like Flint would have a good shot at life if we could just make it to 32 weeks and 3 pounds.  What a miracle when I delivered at 34 weeks and he weighed 3 pounds, 1 ounce!  All through the pregnancy, we didn't know if he would make it here alive, and if he did, we didn't know if he would continue to live.  There was a high likelihood that he would need to be intubated, and there were a whole slew of possible problems that he would have to face.  Not only did he make it here alive (barely), but his respiration was great, and other than the shunt, he has had very little problems.  So many miracles happened in getting his shunt placed.  From insurance covering the flight, to having met one of the few pediatric neurosurgeons in the region just weeks before, to getting financial help with the trip from the Children's Miracle Network and Ronald McDonald House, to having help from many people at home and in Dallas to make it happen, and from Flint's tiny little body handling the surgery as well as he did, we have been reminded continually that there are LOTS of miracles to be had!  As my OB doctor said recently when we were discussing why this happened with Flint: "There's really no WHY with this situation.  This is just how Flint was made to be.  He just was not bound for life on this earth without modern medicine."  No, it is obvious to me that Flint would not be here without the help of medicine.  But it is even more clear that he would not be here without the MANY miracles that Heavenly Father has worked in his behalf. I think that one of Flint's main purposes in life, is to show the world that miracles have not ceased.  God is alive and well and intimately aware of our lives.  He is all-powerful and uses that power to bless our lives.  It is up to us whether we will recognize His hand in our daily actions.  With God, there are always miracles to be had, if we just open our eyes to see them. 
         This Sunday, Flint is going to make a brief appearance at church (due to his prematurity and it being RSV season, his doctors have told us to keep him away from large crowds until Spring).  In a special ceremony (kind of like a Christening), Brock and other worthy priesthood holders will take Flint in their arms and give him a special blessing for his life.  This is something I didn't know if I would get to witness, and I am so looking forward to hearing a little more of what Heavenly Father has in store for our Flint.  As Flint continues to grow, I am sure he will continue to teach me many lessons.  I am grateful Flint chose to come to earth in this way, so he could help his momma be a better person.  I am trying to learn, and hoping I measure up to the greatness of the spirit in this sweet little boy.