As wonderful as the time has been since Flint was born, there are a few things that have been really, really difficult. They're not things that are serious, and I am grateful that I have had the privilege of dealing with these challenges, but I am SO grateful that they are starting to fade into the background. As everyday life gets easier to deal with, I feel like I am gradually coming back to life after and very long, hard year.
One of the hardest things for me, has been the need to live like a hermit. With each of my first four kids, I was out and about almost immediately. I taught early morning seminary when Davis was born, and I remember taking her with me my first day back teaching when she was less than a month old. Duke was born in October and I took him out one week later to a musical program at church that I had planned. Three weeks after Gage was born, my sister got married and we drove across the country to attend her wedding, and a week after Trayson was born, he and I were on a plane to attend the funeral of my new nephew Zach. I've never worried about germs (in small doses), and preferred they be exposed to those germs while they're receiving antibodies from my breastmilk. I took them back to church almost immediately, and even as newborns in the middle of winter, they hardly ever got sick. And for me personally, I never needed a big break from things and felt like a big slacker trying to escape from work and real-life if I hibernated at all. I know every new mom is different, but for me, taking a break from everything made it harder on me to deal with a newborn.
So to have to hold back on real-life routines for so long with Flint has been very difficult and humbling for me. There is a world of difference between a full-term, "normal" baby and one who is a preemie. When you add a chronic health problem like Flint has, it makes it even worse and the chances of him ending up back in the hospital were so great that we knew we had to really keep him isolated from the world for awhile. Brock and I became masters at juggling our other kids' activities to support them in what they were doing, but always making sure that one of us was home with Flint.
I think the hardest thing for me, was not being able to go to church like normal. For me, the Spirit I feel at church strengthens and empowers me to get through the week and most importantly, helps me stay close to my Heavenly Father and feel His influence in my life. Even though I continue to read my scriptures and pray daily, I have come to see the importance spiritually, in attending church each week. Everything is easier to handle when I feel close to my Savior, and it's a lot easier to feel close to Him when I partake of the sacrament and feel the Spirit from attending church! For the last 6 months, Brock and I have rotated staying home with Flint during sacrament meeting. Because Brock has responsibilities that necessitate him being at church during the 2nd and 3rd hours though, I haven't been able to attend Sunday School or Relief Society at all. One Sunday a month, a sweet lady in our ward came over, and she sat with Flint so that Brock and I could both attend sacrament meeting together. The rest of the time, another friend would come pick the kids up from my house, watch over them at church, and then drive them back home. I am so grateful for these sweet sisters and the invaluable service they provided our family! I'm also grateful that I don't need their help anymore! We have finally felt good about taking Flint out, so last Sunday was the first time since he was born that I was able to attend our full church service. It was WONDERFUL! Flint slept through most of the service, but when he was awake, he took in his new surroundings and smiled at all the wonderful people who prayed so hard for his safe arrival. It was a blessing to be able to take him to church, and to know that our long 6 months of isolation has finally come to an end.
The other thing that has been a real challenge these last few months, has been the process of feeding Flint. When he was in the NICU, I was pumping 10 ounces every 3 hours, so I had plenty of milk for him to eat once he was home and nursing directly from me. Once it became apparent that he struggled to get the milk from me and he quit gaining weight, we had to supplement him. Still though, he would nurse from me for about 40 minutes, and then finish up a bottle for another 20 minutes. So for an hour, I would feed him, then do his physical therapy with him until he went to sleep and then I'd have about an hour to try to get something done for my other kids, my house, or myself. Every three hours this pattern would repeat. This wasn't a big deal, until I started noticing that my milk supply was dropping tremendously. Around Christmas time, I decided to start adding an extra pumping session into that three hour pattern, to hopefully build my milk supply back to where it was when he first came home from the hospital. So then the schedule started to look like this: feed him for an hour, do physical therapy with him, pump for 20 minutes, race around like a crazy person for 30 minutes, and then repeat. To make matters worse, Flint suddenly decreased his naptime significantly, and I would frequently finish up pumping to the sound of Flint crying, ready to eat after only a half an hour long nap. I got to the point a few weeks ago where I literally thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown because I was feeding Flint almost non-stop all day long. Taking an hour to feed him, and then still having to pump in between each hour long feeding session, plus waking myself up in the middle of the night to pump some more in the hopes of increasing my milk supply was taking it's toll on me in a big way. I was exhausted and was not handling the stress well.
Finally, I had the thought that I should probably try to wean him. I have not wanted to wean Flint for two reasons: first, I LOVE nursing my babies and I thoroughly enjoy the special time that nursing gives us. Second and most important, with Flint's brain issues, he really needs breast milk for all the benefits that only breastmilk can provide to his brain. I want him to have every advantage he can get as he fights to grow and develop, and right now, giving him breastmilk is one of the few things I have control over that can help him. Despite these misgivings though, I decided something had to change, and that something had to be nursing. I decided to pump and just give him what I pump in a bottle so he can still have the benefits of breastmilk. The impact of this decision was seen immediately! First, as I pumped, I noticed that I hardly had any milk left at all. I realized that when he was "nursing" on me for 40 minutes, he really was just sleeping and pacifying himself. This led to really short naptimes later on and just messed up his entire schedule. I have worked with my doctor and a lactation nurse, and I am finally getting my milk supply up into a better range, though it's still not enough to meet all his nutritional needs each day. Weaning him was the BEST decision! He now eats in less than 20 minutes, we spend the rest of his wake time playing and doing his exercises, and then he goes back to sleep for a nice 2 1/2 hour nap. I am now able to focus on the many other things I am responsible for and I don't feel so stretched and ragged. Having a happy mommy is a pretty important part of growing a healthy baby, and while I miss nursing him, I am also grateful to be able to enjoy this time in his life. Unfortunately, that just was not happening in this particular situation if I continued to breast feed him.
Again, I am so grateful that Flint is here and has given me the opportunity to have these "problems." I know they are very small compared to what others have to deal with with their babies, but I also can't help but express my gratitude that those challenges are resolving themselves and life is getting into a more livable routine. It's good to come back to life!
The other thing that has been a real challenge these last few months, has been the process of feeding Flint. When he was in the NICU, I was pumping 10 ounces every 3 hours, so I had plenty of milk for him to eat once he was home and nursing directly from me. Once it became apparent that he struggled to get the milk from me and he quit gaining weight, we had to supplement him. Still though, he would nurse from me for about 40 minutes, and then finish up a bottle for another 20 minutes. So for an hour, I would feed him, then do his physical therapy with him until he went to sleep and then I'd have about an hour to try to get something done for my other kids, my house, or myself. Every three hours this pattern would repeat. This wasn't a big deal, until I started noticing that my milk supply was dropping tremendously. Around Christmas time, I decided to start adding an extra pumping session into that three hour pattern, to hopefully build my milk supply back to where it was when he first came home from the hospital. So then the schedule started to look like this: feed him for an hour, do physical therapy with him, pump for 20 minutes, race around like a crazy person for 30 minutes, and then repeat. To make matters worse, Flint suddenly decreased his naptime significantly, and I would frequently finish up pumping to the sound of Flint crying, ready to eat after only a half an hour long nap. I got to the point a few weeks ago where I literally thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown because I was feeding Flint almost non-stop all day long. Taking an hour to feed him, and then still having to pump in between each hour long feeding session, plus waking myself up in the middle of the night to pump some more in the hopes of increasing my milk supply was taking it's toll on me in a big way. I was exhausted and was not handling the stress well.
Finally, I had the thought that I should probably try to wean him. I have not wanted to wean Flint for two reasons: first, I LOVE nursing my babies and I thoroughly enjoy the special time that nursing gives us. Second and most important, with Flint's brain issues, he really needs breast milk for all the benefits that only breastmilk can provide to his brain. I want him to have every advantage he can get as he fights to grow and develop, and right now, giving him breastmilk is one of the few things I have control over that can help him. Despite these misgivings though, I decided something had to change, and that something had to be nursing. I decided to pump and just give him what I pump in a bottle so he can still have the benefits of breastmilk. The impact of this decision was seen immediately! First, as I pumped, I noticed that I hardly had any milk left at all. I realized that when he was "nursing" on me for 40 minutes, he really was just sleeping and pacifying himself. This led to really short naptimes later on and just messed up his entire schedule. I have worked with my doctor and a lactation nurse, and I am finally getting my milk supply up into a better range, though it's still not enough to meet all his nutritional needs each day. Weaning him was the BEST decision! He now eats in less than 20 minutes, we spend the rest of his wake time playing and doing his exercises, and then he goes back to sleep for a nice 2 1/2 hour nap. I am now able to focus on the many other things I am responsible for and I don't feel so stretched and ragged. Having a happy mommy is a pretty important part of growing a healthy baby, and while I miss nursing him, I am also grateful to be able to enjoy this time in his life. Unfortunately, that just was not happening in this particular situation if I continued to breast feed him.
Again, I am so grateful that Flint is here and has given me the opportunity to have these "problems." I know they are very small compared to what others have to deal with with their babies, but I also can't help but express my gratitude that those challenges are resolving themselves and life is getting into a more livable routine. It's good to come back to life!
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| Flint and me on our first day back to church |
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